Love was my Favorite Disease
by RoyxRizaFan
Summary: Will Lavi's devotion to being a bookman lead him to making the biggest mistake of his life? LavixLenalee
1. Remembrance

It was something I had been fighting all along, spreading through my body like a disease, taking me over piece by piece

It was something I had been fighting all along, spreading through my body like a disease, taking me over piece by piece. I tried to fight it, but I wasn't strong enough.

_My heart wasn't strong enough…_

Remembrance – Lenalee's POV

I begged my legs to move. How could they fail on me now, during one of the deadliest – maybe even the final – battle of my career as an exorcist? How could they suddenly decide to go limp beneath me, no longer having the will to fight on?

Whatever the reasons, my legs were dead, and they weren't going to revive their strength anytime soon. I crashed to the ground, my vision become blurry as the loss of blood got to me. I could smell death lingering in the air, filling my mouth with a bitter taste. Or was that the blood again? I wasn't sure.

From the shapes I could make out I could see fire and explosions…vague figures darting left and right, on offensive and defensive at the same time. I could hear laughter, screaming, and battle cries all at once, and the overwhelming noises flooded my mind, ripping it apart, destroying my already weakened concentration. I felt the steady beat of rain as it began to fall down against my already freezing skin. I shivered, though I was grateful for the sudden change in weather. I needed something to get me more alert, and the freezing droplets seemed to be doing the trick….

Mostly.

Planting my arms on the ground, I tried to lift myself again, thinking of all I had to fight for – no, what I had to live for. I couldn't give up now. If I didn't return home, what would happen to the other exorcists? What about my brother? I couldn't die now. I had people to return to. People I had to fight for.

Of course, my legs didn't know this. I collapsed once again onto the dark earth, pain shooting up my legs.

Rubble from another one of the explosions sped by me, piercing my back with fresh, new cuts. I winced, biting my lip. When would this battle be over?

I saw a bright flash of light. It was aimed towards me, soaring at a mile a minute, though my eyes seemed to take it in slow motion. I tried to stand up, to even crawl away, but my efforts were in vain. This was the end. No matter what the future held or who was waiting for me, this was the end. I opened my mouth, ready to utter a final prayer, when a figure leapt in front of me.

Lavi jumped in-between me and the attack in the last second, too late to block it. It hit him with all of its force, and the already injured bookman fell over on top of me. He was so much bigger than me that I felt the breath leave me for a moment, and I used my arms to try and nudge him off. I pushed him lightly, but he didn't move. My hand slipped to his chest, pushing once again. Still, he did not move off of me. I felt blood seeping through his shirt onto my hands, and I suddenly noticed how cold he was. Colder than he should have been.

I rolled over, lying him down next to me. His face was pale and his body was drenched in blood all over. I placed my hands around his face, which was cold as ice.

"Lavi?" I whispered urgently, though I could hardly hear myself over the sounds of the battle behind me. "Lavi?" My hands traced down his scratched up, bruises arm, aiming for his pulse. Just as my fingers wrapped around his icy wrist, blackness crept up around my eyes, swallowing up my consciousness.

--

I tore away from my sleeping state, fighting against the nightmare whose claws were trying to pull me back in. My eyes fluttered open to reveal a bright, white room. I sat up with a jolt. I was in the infirmary.

"The battle's over," I murmured to myself. Without a second thought I threw off my sheets and rushed to find someone – anyone – who could tell me the outcome.

I searched my memory, trying to remember the last things I had seen before going unconscious. We had been fighting the Noah…my legs had stopped working…then Lavi…

Lavi!

I reached for the door just as the Matron came back into the room. She gave me an astonished look and beckoned me back into my bed.

"M-Matron!" I cried. "Please, listen to me for a moment. Lavi! What happened to Lavi? Before I went unconscious, he was…" My voice trailed off. Why hadn't I stayed awake long enough to make sure he was all right? I wanted to hit myself, but I knew how fussy the Matron was about inflicting injuries onto yourself.

She took my shoulders, pushing me back into my bed. "Everyone's having a difficult time right now," she said soothingly. "Not everyone survived."

I tried not to think too much about that. I found that I didn't want to know who had died. It was easier to keep pretending they were alive than to have to let go of them. I wasn't strong enough for that yet.

For some reason, I still felt desperate to know about Lavi, though. I supposed it was because he could have possibly died saving me. "Lavi survived, didn't he? What happened to him?"

The Matron seemed taken aback by the desperate tone in my voice. Nonetheless, she sat on the edge of my bed, straightening out the sheet with her hand, and answered me. "Lavi is alive."

I felt a rush of relief come over me. Thank goodness. If he had died like that, I never would have forgiven myself-

"-But I don't know how much longer that statement will remain true for," she finished, her eyes lifting to me. "It's a terrible thing, isn't it? Young people like you dying like this. I think that it's really shameless of…"

I wasn't listening to her anymore. Lavi was going to die? Is that what she had just said? No, that couldn't be true. He _might _die. He wasn't _going _to die. He'd be all right. I knew it.

"Can I see him?" I begged her, taking her hands in mine and holding them tightly. It was only then that I noticed how cold I was.

"I'm not sure that that…" she began, though she faded off mid-sentence. She took a sigh, nodding. "Yes, Lenalee. You can see him."

I was out of my bed and at the door in a second. I wasn't going to let him die. Not like this. Not because of me.


	2. Hanging on by a thread

It was something I had been fighting all along, spreading through my body like a disease, taking me over piece by piece

It was something I had been fighting all along, spreading through my body like a disease, taking me over piece by piece. I tried to fight it, but I wasn't strong enough.

_My heart wasn't strong enough…_

Holding on by a thread – Lavi's POV

I could feel it slipping away from me, like water through my hands. I gripped to it, trying to keep hold of it, but it slid between my fingers, out of my grasp. Only a few drops remained. My life was fading away, and I could feel it.

This wasn't as painful as it could have been. Not yet, at least. I was still half asleep, in an unconscious state, drifting along through nothingness, not knowing what was up and what was down – what was life and what was death. I knew what was happening and what had happened, though, and I wasn't happy with either.

I remembered how I had come to this state. It had been through that treacherous battle that I had been dragged into. I had been fighting well at first, but bit-by-bit, the battle had torn me apart until there was hardly anything left. After a while, I wasn't even fighting. I was merely trying to survive. My weapons were wrecked, my body was broken, and there was nothing more I could do for the fight.

I had turned around to see Lenalee, unable to stand, in the middle of everything. That's when one of those damn Noah had aimed their attack at her. There wasn't anything I could do on defense at this point, let alone much I could do at all. Yet somehow I knew I couldn't let her die.

I had known Lenalee for several years now. She had been there since I had joined the Order, always so polite and sweet. A supportive friend who was never afraid to show you her heart or her feelings. I envied that of her. Then again, I wasn't meant to have a heart or feelings to show. I was a bookman. I was to watch silently from the sidelines, watching time move, but never move with it.

What a load of crap. I had been fooling myself, thinking I could stick to that rule. It made dying easier, though, knowing that I didn't have anything left in life anyway. Obviously, I was a failure as a bookman. In the last moments of life, I had acted on _feelings _– something I was forbidden from – rather than what was best.

What I should have done when I saw the Noah going after her was to watch and make a mental note of it so I could write it up later. Instead, I had jumped in front of her. Why, you might ask? Because I'm stupid.

As I saw that attack speeding towards her, I suddenly knew that I couldn't let her die. I supposed I had known this all along, but it was stronger than ever. I had always felt something for Lenalee – the urge to make her smile, the need to protect her – but I had never felt it as strong as I did then.

Then there was also the fact that she had something to live for and I didn't. She had a purpose and I didn't. She was the real exorcist who had the power to protect people. She had a family she had to return to. She had friends that she made happy who would be devastated to lose her. I could have had any of those, but I never allowed myself to go beyond the life of a bookman. As it should have been. Now, as I was dying, I saw all those times avoiding calling Allen, Kanda, Miranda, Krory, or the others 'friends' a waste of time, seeing as I was dying out of forbidden feelings anyway.

So I had leapt in front of her, taken the attack, and felt the life being knocked out of me. At least I got to see her face once more before I died. Her beautiful, porcelain face. Even after I lost my sight, I could hear her calling my name. It had almost been as if she cared if I lived or died. That was a nice thing to take with me as I left. At least I had one sweet memory I could take from this life and hold with me. That was all I really needed. It was more than enough.

It would have been nice, though, if I could have seen her smile…just one last time.


	3. Wakening

It was something I had been fighting all along, spreading through my body like a disease, taking me over piece by piece

It was something I had been fighting all along, spreading through my body like a disease, taking me over piece by piece. I tried to fight it, but I wasn't strong enough.

_My heart wasn't strong enough…_

Wakening – Lenalee's POV

I haven't the slightest idea why it was so important for me to see Lavi. I should have been just as concerned about everyone else, but I hadn't even asked what their fates had been yet. All I knew right now if how I had felt when Lavi had gone cold on top of me, how I was feeling knowing that he could die without my ever seeing him again, and how it would feel to never see his goofy grin light up his face.

I threw myself through the doors to his room. He was lying in his bed, pale as a ghost and wrapped almost entirely in bandages. I ran to his side, pulling a chair to the edge of his bed.

Somehow, his face seemed peaceful. His eyes were shut gently and his mouth was slightly open. I saw his chest moving up and down and knew he was breathing. I took one of his large hands in mine, almost letting go after seeing hold cold it was. With my other hand I reached out to touch his face, which was just as freezing. My fingers traced his pale cheek before tangling through his red mess of hair. I played with the thick strands, remembering back when my hair was long and he had played with it when we rode the trains to our next mission. I remembered how I would pull away from him, swatting his hands off. He would smirk and laugh as always, finding my irritation amusing. As I thought back to simple things like this I realized that in my mind, I had already lost him.

I held his hand to my face with both of mine, squeezing it tightly as if refusing to let him go. I couldn't lose him now. I had known him for so long…. We were friends, weren't we? We were comrades. If he died…

I felt tears welling up in my eyes, and they slipped down my cheek and onto his hand. It was almost at this same moment that his eye flickered open. He seemed to be in a daze at first, but finally he focused, turning his gaze to me. His fingers wiped away my tear, and he smiled at me. This smile wasn't very comforting. It was a smile of defeat – I could tell that he, too, had given up. I just held on tighter.

"Lenalee, you're killing my hand," he murmured in a light, distant voice.

"I'm hardly holding on at all," I said in practically a whisper.

"I'm not in the strongest state right now."

No, he certainly wasn't. He looked fragile – more fragile than I had ever seen him before. It was as if he smiled again, his face would surely fall apart. His voice was soft and tired. This wasn't the usual, bright and cheery Lavi I wanted to wake up to me. Hopefully he would regain his strength. He couldn't stay like this forever. Not unless he was ready to give up. He couldn't do that, though, could he?

"I'm still alive, huh?" he asked, mostly to himself. "Miracles do happen, even if they don't last for long."

"Don't say that," I pleaded, placing his hand back by his side, though not letting go. "If you give up now, you'll…you'll…"

"I already am," he answered solemnly.

No. This wasn't my Lavi. He couldn't be giving up this easily. My Lavi was energetic and determined. He was strong and optimistic. Or was that Lavi fake? Was this the real Lavi? Was _my _Lavi just a front he put on as a bookman?

I couldn't help it – I burst out into another round of sobs.


	4. Alive

It was something I had been fighting all along, spreading through my body like a disease, taking me over piece by piece

It was something I had been fighting all along, spreading through my body like a disease, taking me over piece by piece. I tried to fight it, but I wasn't strong enough.

_My heart wasn't strong enough…_

Alive – Lavi's POV

I didn't know how, but I was alive.

It was as if I had been wishing for death – there was nothing left to live for and I'd die eventually, anyway. I was almost disappointed when I woke up.

It didn't help that the first thing I saw was Lenalee sobbing at my bedside, begging me not to die. As if it would make a difference to her.

She had Allen, right? What would it matter if I died? He was all she really needed. He was all she'd ever really need. I was a simple bookman. I could offer her nothing and I never could. She was wasting her time and energy crying for me – worrying for me. I was already dead.

Then again, how could I die if I was never alive?

My body felt brittle, like if I moved it, it would fall to pieces. I had never felt so breakable before. I cringed as I tried to move, to take my hand from hers. My efforts were in vain. I'm sure she didn't even notice.

"Lenalee," I called in a pleading voice. "Stop crying, will you?"

She shook her head, finally releasing my hand to wipe away her tears. "I c-can't help it, Lavi! I just can't stand the thought of you _dying_! Not like this! Not for me!"

I sighed, closing my eyes again. I knew that if I said anything, it would probably just come out as the solid, unavoidable truth – I was going to die, and it didn't make a difference. What I wanted to say, though, was something to comfort her, which was probably the stupidest urge I should be feeling at the moment. I was dying, and all I was concerned about was getting those damn tears out of her eyes, just so I could see her smile again. I wasn't entirely sure if that was selfish or not.

What would it matter if I said what I was thinking, or what I wanted her to be thinking? The end would be the same either way. She would probably cry when I died – on Allen's shoulder, perhaps – and then after a week or so I start becoming nothing but a memory. Soon enough, I'd be forgotten. It was a waste of time for her to cry like this.

I tried to sit up, but I felt such a strong pain in my chest that I fell right back down with a wince. What a way to go – stuck in a hospital bed, just waiting for death to take you.

"Lavi!" Lenalee cried, leaning forward, her hands on my shoulders. "Are you all right? You look like you're hurt!"

"What kind of thing is that to say when I'm in this state?" I asked, trying to make a joke. She seemed to take it seriously, though, and sat back down, placing her hands in her lap, muttering an apology.

I wanted to laugh at how silly she was being, but it hurt to even try. I was sure that even I did manage to laugh it would sound unnatural and forced, which was sure to only add to her worries. Not that I should care how she felt. I was just a bookman, right?

"Excuse me," a doctor called from the doorway. "Miss Lee, would you mind stepping out for a bit so I can talk to the patient?"

She shook her head. "No, not at all." She didn't look sincere, though. As she turned back to face me, I saw worry in her eyes. It was as if she thought I would die if she left the room for even a second.

"Go on, Lenalee."

She leaned over, pushing back my mess of hair to plant a quick kiss on my forehead. "Get better, Lavi. I'll be back soon."

All I managed was a nod as she turned and walked to the door. She paused in the doorway, though, and turned around, adding, "I'll see you later."

I couldn't lie, I wasn't sure if I would or not. "Bye."


	5. Worry

It was something I had been fighting all along, spreading through my body like a disease, taking me over piece by piece

It was something I had been fighting all along, spreading through my body like a disease, taking me over piece by piece. I tried to fight it, but I wasn't strong enough.

_My heart wasn't strong enough…_

Worry – Lenalee's POV

As I shut the door behind me, I felt a strong, icy shiver creep up my spine and through my body, shaking me all over. I wrapped my arms around my trembling body, blinking back the last of my tears.

Lavi wasn't in a good physical state and, sure, that worried me. It was his mental state that scared me the most, though. I could tell that he had already given up on life, and he was sure he was going to die. What if he were wrong, though? What if there was a chance he could live and he didn't fight back against death? What if he died when he was meant to live, just because he had given up? I leaned against the door, slumping down into a sitting position against it. Somehow, my legs were feeling weak again, and that had nothing to do with the battle. The battle that seemed like it had been years ago, that is. Right now, the only thing I could think about was Lavi.

He had changed so much in such a short amount of time, and I was afraid there was no way to bring back the old Lavi, the determined, strong, and cheerful Lavi. The question that kept rising in my mind was if that were really him or not, though. Was that just another one of his disguises to match his new, 49th alias? I didn't want to believe it was. How could someone put on a front like that for so long? I suppose if it were his 49th time, it would be second nature to him. But if all those versions of him were fake, who was the _real _him? If he kept acting defeated like this, I was sure I'd never find out.

I shut my watering eyes, concentrating as hard as I could to remember what it was about Lavi that made him so important to my life. Every smile he had shot me had lightened my mood, no matter how down I was. The sound of his laugher had been like music to my ears. He was so kind and playful, but yet he also held back so much. Being a bookman, he was afraid to let people in. Just as he began to open up, just as we began to get closer, he would pull back into his shell, where I couldn't reach him.

Faint voices coming from being the door I was resting against came to me. I pressed my ear against it, listening closely.

I could hardly make out any of the voices, especially Lavi's, which was so weak and nearly inaudible. The doctor's was low and gruff, and it carried over to me pretty well. I was able to make out enough words to make sense of the conversation. When I had, I almost wished I hadn't.

I leapt to my feet, running away as fast as my weak legs would carry me. I didn't know where I was going or what I planned to do, I just needed to get away from that door.

_Operation…tomorrow…. _That's what the doctor had said. I could hardly believe it. Another shiver erupted, shaking through my body. I gripped onto the windowsill in front of me, praying in my mind that I had heard wrong. Lavi wasn't strong enough for an operation. He wouldn't make it out. Not in this physical and mental state. He wouldn't make it.

Lavi wasn't going to make it. This terrible truth blew my mind away, and I felt like I was going to slip away with him. This couldn't happen. I couldn't let him vanish from my life like that. Not because of me. Not because he had been protecting me.

I would rather have died myself than to let this happen.

I remembered when he had leapt in front of me and I had felt him go cold underneath my hands. The memory was so vivid that I could practically feel the warmth of his blood on my hands as I thought about it. I found it was hard to breathe, that was I gasping for air, and allowed my legs to fail me once more. I slumped onto the ground, leaning my dizzy head against the cool wall, and allowing my eyes to drift shut. That didn't help, though.

Life without Lavi was something I couldn't imagine. Going on missions without the funny, sarcastic bookman there standing next to me would be so strange. I don't think I'd ever get used to it. I knew I wouldn't be alone if he were gone – I had plenty of other friends. But Lavi brought something different to my life, and I wasn't sure what I'd do without it. He'd never know what he meant to me, or how thankful I was for everything he had done.

Unless I told him right now, that is.

I took a deep breath, pulling myself to my feet as I rushed back to his room as fast as I could.


	6. White Flag

.

It was something I had been fighting all along, spreading through my body like a disease, taking me over piece by piece. I tried to fight it, but I wasn't strong enough.

_My heart wasn't strong enough…_

White Flag: Lavi's POV

The doctor left the room, shooting me a timid smile over his shoulder. Once the door clacked shut, I covered my eyes with my arm, taking a deep breath. I winced at the sharp pain in my chest. Now even _breathing _hurt. Why hadn't I just died when I was supposed to? Why did I have to have a long, drawn out death like this? An operation? Were they _serious_?

I couldn't make it through an operation. I was too weak to _breathe_, apparently, and I was supposed to go under a knife and expect to come out alive? That was bull. The doctor had promised to try the best that he could, but his eyes told me that he was just as hopeless as I was. This was just a big waste of time, and it was silly to get everyone's hopes up like that.

I laughed weakly. By thinking like that, it was almost as if saying that I would be missed. At first, perhaps, but in the long run, I would just be forgotten. I wasn't part of history, so there was no other alternative.

The sound of the door opening echoed once again through my room. I let out a groan. What did that damn doctor want now?

"Lavi." I pulled my arm away from my face and looked up to see Lenalee stepping into the room, looking a little frazzled.

I let out another groan. She was the last person I needed to see right now. I wasn't trying to be cruel by thinking that – I enjoyed her company, of course. But now I had to tell her all about that operation, and I had to watch her be filled with false hope. Then when I told her that there _wasn't _any hope, she'd begin to lecture me. It was a waste of time. God should have let me die _then _– on the battlefield – when I was _meant _to, instead of putting her through all of this. It only made things worse when you had to die with Lenalee crying in the background. It made you feel guilty, as if you had done something wrong, even though there was nothing you could do to make her stop.

At this point, time was the only healer. Eventually, she'd have to realize that I was nothing, and that she belonged with Allen. Part of me wondered how long it would take, and the other part knew that it didn't matter – I was dead either way.

She shut the door behind her before cautiously stepping over to me and sitting down in the chair next to my bed, her hands placed in her lap and her eyes focused intently on them. I followed her gaze to see that her hands were shaking a bit. I let out a long sigh, my mind void of things to say.

"Lavi, I know about the operation," she told me in a soft voice, still keeping her eyes in her lap. "I was standing outside of the door."

The old me probably would have laughed at the image of Lenalee hunched outside a door in the middle of the hall for everyone to see, listening in to our conversation, but the dying me didn't seem thrilled by silly things like that anymore. I didn't have enough time left to become amused over such minor moments.

She seemed to be waiting for me to say something, but when I didn't, she continued on, her voice nervous and shaky. "I just really want to be _positive _that you'll do your best."

"How can I 'do my best'? I'll be unconscious! Besides, I don't have a choice in this matter," I reminded her, my voice sounding colder than I intended it to be.

She shook her head softly, but still refused to look up. "There _is _a choice! If you go into the operation thinking you're going to die, you probably will! If you go in thinking you'll survive, you have a better chance!"

I almost wanted to laugh at the irony in what she was saying. When was it _her _that had to tell _me _to think positive? She was the pessimistic one, not me! Or was I wrong again? What did I know about myself, after all? I was a bookman, nothing more. Lavi didn't exist, and he _certainly _wouldn't exist after tomorrow.

"I don't want you to die," she told me, her voice a little firmer than before, strong with her certainty. "I wouldn't be able to live with myself thinking that you died because of me."

What better way was there to go than as a hero? Even if no one else remembered, I would. "Don't say that, Lenalee. You'll get over it soon enough."

She finally looked up, but her expression was horrorstruck. Her mouth hung open a bit and her eyes were wide with terror as she glared at me. "How…how can you _say _that?" she demanded, tears forming in her eyes again. "Lavi, how could you ever assume something like that? If that's what you think, you don't know anything about me!" Her eyes searched me for a moment and the tears finally began falling onto her flushed cheeks as she opened and closed her mouth, debating on what to say next. At last, she spat the words out, no longer holding back. "Lavi, I love you!"

I felt as if she had just dumped a bucket of cold ice over my head. How did she expect _me_, a dying man – even more, a dying _bookman_ – to respond to that? What use was it confessing to someone who was going to leave soon? Self-satisfaction? Was it to assure me that she had once had affections for me, so I'd know once she moved on with Allen? There was nothing I could say. There was nothing I could do. Nothing I felt mattered, nothing I said would change a thing. It was a lost cause. All was lost.

The fight was over. When would she finally put up her white flag and accept the facts?

"There's nothing I can do." This time, I didn't regret the cool tone in my voice. I needed to push her away now, while she still had a chance of getting away. It was the best thing for her – for both of us.

She shook her head back and forth, pulling herself to her feet, her tears doubling up. She bit her lower lip, turning away and heading for the door.

Unlike the doctor had, she slammed it shut, shaking the walls of my room.


	7. Leaving the Past Behind

.

It was something I had been fighting all along, spreading through my body like a disease, taking me over piece by piece. I tried to fight it, but I wasn't strong enough.

_My heart wasn't strong enough…_

Leaving the Past Behind– Lenalee's POV

I felt like the biggest lunatic in the world at the same time I felt like a heavy weight had been lifted off of my chest. My head was spinning a bit, and the tears in my eyes were blurring my vision, yet I felt so light that I could fly, even without my boots on. I felt a little silly and confused by my mixture of feelings, but at this point, everything was so overwhelming that it didn't matter.

The next hallway was deserted, so I took a seat in the corner of the room, hugging my knees close to my chest. I leaned my head back against the wall and shut my eyes, trying to think things over reasonably.

I had just told Lavi how I felt. His reaction had been, "There's nothing I can do," in the coldest, cruelest, most heartbreaking voice I had ever heard. Part of me had been expecting that, what with the way he'd been acting lately. Another part of me thought that his attitude was just reflecting his loss of hope.

Had I actually believed that Lavi was going to pull through the operation, just because of _me_? Did I think that confessing my love might get him to realize that he, too, felt the same way, and that he might actually try to live, just for me? Was that conceited of me to think? What else could I be thinking at this point, though, after all we had gone through together? After he had saved my life, just the other day? What other conclusion could I have come to?

No matter what the reason, the outcome was the same. I had misinterpreted Lavi's actions, and from the looks of it, there was no choice – Lavi was going to leave not only me, but the entire world. I wouldn't mind if he never, ever returned my feelings – that was fine with me. As long as he was alive and well, nothing else mattered.

Nothing I had said or done, and nothing I could say or do could change anything. Lavi had his mind set on how this was going to end, and there was no way of getting him to think differently of it.

It was too late. I had to accept that. Why was that so hard for me?

Unwillingly, my mind filled me with all sorts of memories, one after another, tormenting me more and more, as if urging me to do something else, though I knew there was nothing I could do. My thoughts told me that as long as his heart was still beating, I had to do something. My mind knew the truth, though, and I had to listen to that part of me.

I took a deep breath and pulled myself to my feet. Even if Lavi refused to walk on, I was going to have to, and alone. I might as well start now.

I stared down the empty hallway ahead of me. It seemed so long all of a sudden, and my legs felt so weak. I wondered for a second if I could make it all the way down, by myself. What I really wanted to do was to run back to Lavi's room and try again and again and again, and to hold his hand as he left the world, just so I could say that I did everything I could, and that I hadn't been lying when I had said I loved him.

That wasn't an option, though. I had to move onward, for both of our sakes. If Lavi didn't want me, I wouldn't go back. If I couldn't go back, I had to start walking away, step by step, until it was all gone, left behind me, in the past.

I took a deep breath, steadying myself, before stepping forward.


	8. Dying Alone

.

_It was something I had been fighting all along, spreading through my body like a disease, taking me over piece by piece. I tried to fight it, but I wasn't strong enough._

_My heart wasn't strong enough…_

Dying Alone – Lavi's POV

I shut my eyes. Here it comes. _Finally_. What took so long?

I lay down, waiting. The doctor would be here in ten minutes, and the operation would begin. At last, I would be part of the fate I was supposed to have fulfilled the other day, during the battle. I was supposed to have died then. It was about time I got this over with. This had been dragged out long enough.

I shut my eyes, embracing death, urging it forward to come over me and to cover me, like a blanket, blocking me out from the lights of life, so that I would never be blinded by their overwhelming glows ever again.

It had been too much. Everything had _always _been too much. I had lived as a bookman for so long, and yet lately, it had been so hard. Each day had been a chore for me, really. It was impossible to keep living this way. Being whisked away like this was like taking a breath of fresh air.

When had it become so hard to live the restricted life of a bookman? It used to come naturally to me. Sure, there were times when it became bothersome, but that was true to _any _job. This feeling I had had recently, as if it were impossible to follow the rules any longer, was not something average. Where had it come from? When had it started?

I laughed darkly. What difference should it make if I was going to die in a moment? I would have all of eternity to think up a reason…_after _I had died.

That's right. Soon, all the pain, physical and emotional, would be gone. I would be free from these chains.

An image flashed so quickly through my mind that I didn't even know where it came from. My memory quickly reminded me of my recent encounter with Lenalee.

I laughed again, ignoring the sharp pain I felt in my chest as I did. Her feelings didn't make a difference to me. I was already gone. Nothing mattered anymore.

"_Lavi, I love you!" _

You'd forget that soon enough. So would I. We were taking different paths now, and what you had said didn't matter at this point. I was already long gone by then. Then again, had I ever been with you, really?

Lenalee had always been far away, even before I began dying. Becoming close to her – even friends with her – was strictly forbidden. It had been impossible.

Perhaps that was why it was so hard for me to follow the rules of a bookman. I had gradually become attached to Lenalee, and the feelings I had developed for her were thwarting my job as a bookman.

By the time I had jumped in front of her, during that bloody, final battle, I had already known I had lost. I was a failure as a bookman – because I had given into love.

That emotion, to a bookman, was almost as bad as my slow death at this very moment. Just like this, love crept up on me from behind, slowly planting itself into my body, though I didn't notice it at first. Piece by piece, it broke me down from the inside, taking me over so that I had no control over my emotions, then thoughts, then actions. I had tried to fight it, but I wasn't strong enough. My heart hadn't been strong enough.

I was dying, though, so I would win. I would leave my broken heart and body behind and move on. None of this mattered anymore. None of it.

I thought of Lenalee again and again, even though I wasn't doing so willingly. She just kept popping into my mind, reminding me of what I was leaving behind.

Why hadn't I died before, when I was meant to? It would be much easier if I had just died then.

Maybe I wasn't supposed to die then, though.

Maybe I wasn't supposed to die.

Had the fact that I hadn't died immediately been a sign? Did I really stand a chance? If I wanted to live, could I?

Was it worth it?

Should I bother?

"Lavi!" the doctor called. "Are you ready, son?"

I glanced up, feeling myself sinking back into the world. I had been living in my mind for so long, avoiding everything outside of it.

I wasn't exactly sure what was coming next for me, but I nodded weakly to him. "Sure."

_**Author's notes:**__ This story sure is angsty…man…(laughs) Well, next one's the last one! _


	9. One Hundred and Thirty Four Lilies

_It was something I had been fighting all along, spreading through my body like a disease, taking me over piece by piece. I tried to fight it, but I wasn't strong enough._

_My heart wasn't strong enough…_

One Hundred and Thirty Four Lilies – Lenalee's POV

It was the sunniest day of the year. I was sure of it. The sun gleamed down, a gentle warmth spreading through the air. I stood outside, looking over the large land, waiting. When were the others going to get here?

I felt a hand slip into mine from my side and turned quickly to see who had joined me. Allen stood, grinning his usual calm, sweet grin. I smiled back, unable to resist the urge.

"Is it wrong for me to feel so peaceful on such a day?" I asked him softly, a thoughtful tone in my voice.

Allen stared at the ground as we began walking, thinking over his response carefully. "I would _think _so…but…I feel the same way. I almost feel…"

"…Happy," I finished for him with a shaky laugh. "Me, too."

It was silent for a moment, other than the musical chirping of the birds. It was the first day of spring, though it hadn't been such a lovely day _last _year. No, that had been a dark, dismal day, and it had rained so hard…in so many ways.

"It's been a whole year, huh?" Allen asked, as if he had been reading my thoughts. "I don't know what to think of that. It kind of makes you lonely, huh?"

"Silly Allen," I laughed. "You said you were happy a second ago."

"_You _said that."

"You agreed!"

"No, I didn't!"

I rolled my eyes, wondering how we could be bickering so childishly on such a day. Exactly a year ago we had experienced the terrible incident of that final battle, and yet we stood here, teasing each other and enjoying the great weather. Was that wrong?

We laughed gently to ourselves, probably thinking the same things about our casual behavior. Allen's face became a little more serious as we walked over the large, green hill to our destination.

"It's all right not to cry," he told me. "It's all right to smile and to laugh, even today. All those people who died did so just so we and so many others could move on. They died so we could move on with our lives, working our hardest, doing our best, and paving the path for the next generation, so that the exorcists can live on. They don't want to be remembered by that final, tragic battle. They want to be remembered for the good times in life, the times when we laughed together and played together and talked together, because all of those are just as important. Think of that when you see the memorial."

I smiled to myself. Allen always knew just what to say, even during times like these.

He stopped walking, pulling me to a halt. I took a deep breath, glancing at the ground, almost afraid to look up. I hadn't seen the memorial yet, because it hadn't been completed last year, and everyone had said it would be best if we saw it for the very first time on the anniversary. At last, I looked up, and gasped at its beauty.

For all one hundred and thirty four heroes who had died on that day was a lily, planted into the lush, green grass, all lined up together in a large, perfect garden. I had never seen anything so beautiful before. These lilies represented my friends, my loved ones, who had died for us and our cause on that day. Each one was a friend, someone I had loved.

At last I felt tears building up in my eyes. I wasn't sure if it was tears of loss for the deaths of my friends, or tears of happiness. Each lily sent a thousand memories into my mind, a thousand happy, amazing memories, and all the feelings of love I felt for my friends welled up inside of me, warming every inch of my body more than the sun ever could. I was happy because I had been blessed enough to share part of my life with these people.

I leaned my head against Allen's shoulder, and he rested his head on mine, and we stared at the flowers, silently crying, with gentle smiles on our faces. The breeze brushed against us, ruffling our hair in the wind, and the flowers swayed back and forth, as if they were dancing for us.

Suddenly, there was a hard push on my back, sending me forward a few steps. I narrowly caught my balance before spinning around to see who our newcomer was.

"I'm a few minutes late and Allen's _already _making a pass at my girlfriend!" Lavi teased, punching Allen playfully in the shoulder.

Allen smirked back at him. "You're late."

"I was sleeping in."

"I don't know _how _you could sleep in today," Allen argued. "I could hardly sleep at _all_, I was so anxious!"

Lavi laughed before turning to me and flashing that irresistible smile that I had fallen in love with so, so long ago. I returned it as he slipped his arm around my shoulder, turning us to face the flowers.

"That's breathtaking, huh?" he murmured so only I could hear.

I nodded in agreement. "I don't think I've seen anything so beautiful."

Yes, it was the most beautiful thing, those one hundred and thirty four lilies. One of the best parts was that it hadn't been one hundred and thirty five, like it had come so close to becoming. Instead of a flower, swaying gently in the breeze before me, Lavi was standing next to me, holding me closely. That was another reason why I smiled today. This day reminded me of how Lavi had almost died, but had fought for his life, just when I had lost hope in him. This was a day representing not only death, but also survival.

I titled my head so I could look up at him, taking in his wavy red hair, his green eye, and his crooked smile. He caught my gaze, still beaming, and leaned down to plant a soft, quick kiss on my lips.

"Wow," Allen said again, still staring at the flowers. "It's just…so beautiful."

"Yes," I agreed, my eyes interlocked with Lavi's. "Yes, it certainly is."

The End

_**Author's notes: **__Thanks so much for reading my story! I hope you were happy with the ending and that you enjoyed reading it! I hope you'll drop me a review and let me know what you thought!_


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